Thursday, December 14, 2006

I'm Resisting the Temptations

Tonight I'm cheating because I'm too tired to deliver my own words. I'm copying and pasting what I read at work. It's an e-mail forward that everyone has probably seen already but it made me laugh out loud! The message hits home with me since I've been counting points and watching my weight. I can't even describe how difficult this has been during the past few weeks. It's nearly unbearable lately, especially when I walk by plates of cookies, fudge, and cheese every day and reluctantly opt to munch on celery. Right now, I'm dreaming of holiday treasures of the food variety. I will win, though, and choose romaine lettuce. And, maybe a hunk of fudge or two.

Very Important Information for the Holiday Season!

Eating Tips for The Holidays...

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it! Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello???

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming,

"WOO-HOO, what a ride!"



LauraHinNJ said...

Oh good grief!

Someone at work brought in donuts this am, someone else homemade cookies, then we had our holiday luncheon at an Italian place, and came back to the office for birthday cake. There was no hope for any of us today!

Anonymous said...

I am going to keep an eye out for carrots at our holiday parties, and if I see some, I am going to get up on a chair and yell, "WHO IN THE BLOODY HELL BROUGHT CARROTS?!"

Anonymous said...

Oh Mary- I'm reading this late after working the second shift, laughing until tears squirt out of my eyes, trying not to wake my husband 3 feet away!! Thanks for the giggle.

(how about romaine lettuce with fudge dressing!)

Anonymous said...

I peeled 2 pounds of carrots last night to go with celery and dip for our potluck lunch at work today. I will print off this post and put it beside the veggie tray though! You will have to see my daughter's blog to see what else went on in the kitchen last night. Now I have to go find some clothes to wear today that don't "hurt" when I bend over.

Mary said...

Hey, Susan. Did you see that Ruth is bringing *carrots* to a holiday party today?

Anonymous said...

Hey Mary, just remember what that 1 pound block of butter looks like ...oh and should I send a picture of my any case either one should be plenty of deterrant as you sail right past the fudge sauce and Christmas cookies.

Jayne said...

How funny! I've not seen that one! It reminded me of a quote from the Sweet Potato Queen when she said she's never disliked anyone enough to make them a casserole with fat free cheese!

Susan Gets Native said...

Ruth! NO CARROTS!!!!!!

LostRoses said...

Oh Mary, I think you need a food fix! You are a brave woman to start a diet at the holidays, that's when I usually break mine!

Anonymous said...

Oh, this is rich; I've seen it before, but I'm laughing now. I made TWO trips through the line at our staff dinner last night, and it was all evil carb casseroles and such. I did avoid dessert. I didn't have carrots.

I like Lynne's idea of fudge sauce on lettuce...

Anonymous said...

I ate carrots yesterday...but I also ate lots and lots and lots of deep fried goodness...and cookies...and trifle...:D

Anonymous said...

I ate carrots yesterday, but I also ate lots and lots of deep fried goodness...and cookies...and trifle...:D

Anonymous said...

I've never had egg nog!! Oh if only it didn't matter - I love the idea of skidding in sideways with chocolate in hand :)
Thanks for coming by my blog, cheers Katie