Thursday, September 18, 2008

Driving Miss Mary


Ha Ha. Let’s laugh for a few minutes.

I have good driving habits, I think. Text messaging, applying makeup, or using my cell phone while driving is prohibited unless it’s urgent. I drive the car and do nothing else except scan the landscape for hawks, vultures, or anything that interests me. Talk radio entertains me in the early morning hours but most of the time I listen to my favorite music stations and sing loudly if my mood is right. Driving the car is my focus and watching for idiots. Idiots make me cuss.

He does other things while driving and that’s why he misses exits.

I always wonder why he waits to fasten his seat belt until he’s making a turn or merging onto an interstate. When he buckles up, we sway a little.

He’ll sightsee, point to road construction, and comment on the new thingamajigs (barriers?) they’ve erected for new lanes. Oh, boy! How interesting. I say, “Hmmm. Just drive the car.”

Will he ever brake for stopped traffic? I do it for him, on my side of the car - feet firmly planted on an imaginary brake pedal. I warn, “They’re stopping, slow down…” Boy, that really sets him off! “My foot’s on the brake, Mare!” I think, “a little too late, mister.”

There’s his ever present energy drink in the cup holder:

Unscrew the cap. Swerve vehicle. Take a small swig.

Screw the cap back on the bottle. Swerve vehicle.

Repeat every two minutes.

He’ll throw his head back for a view of the ceiling to get that last drop from the bottle. I close my eyes to oncoming traffic and hold back from taking that damned bottle and tossing it out the window.

He fidgets with buttons, i.e. oil life, cruise control, Tom-Tom GPS, and checks on the organization of his tidy cockpit. He also remembers to trim his fingernails at stoplights. Fidget, fidget, fidget.

We arrive at the shopping mall and drive aimlessly through its parking lot for ten minutes to find the ultimate pull-through space – one-quarter mile from the mall entrance. I think, “Whatever. It’s only 95 degrees. Let’s jog to the entrance.”

And, this is what makes it a real party. When he’s driving, it’s his choice of entertainment – either Scottish bagpipes, oldies, or static sports talk radio. Aaaaack!

I wholeheartedly admit I’m a terrible passenger. He has suggested I wear a blindfold. Not a bad idea!

By the way, I have always loved roller coasters, especially the wooden racers.


Photo Courtesy of the Internet

There have been a few rides I’ve taken and exited with weak knees and a pounding heart. In my head I was thinking, “Wow. What a ride. GLAD IT’S OVER.”

I didn’t name “him” here but ya’ll know who I’m talkin’ about ;-)


Lisa at Greenbow said...

I am glad you are safe and sound, for now. I hope you feel better since you have warned the world of "his" driving. I will watch out for "him" :)

Mary said...

Ah, Lisa... My husband is the one who has the ability to multi-task. I just can't do it the way he can. Wish I could...

Wendy said...

This sounds so familiar. I wonder if most guys drive like that. Rollercoasters? Yikes -let me off!!

NatureWoman said...

That kind of action drives me crazy, too. I just want to say "get out and let me drive!"

Kathi said...

1) Buy a supply of drink straws and keep them in the car. Drinking with your head tilted back while driving is pretty frightening.

2) What is wrong with bagpipe music? (says the proud descendant of the Dallas family, a sept of the MacIntosh clan, from Cawdor, Nairnshire, Scotland?)

Julie Zickefoose said...

That's what we call a DWOO--Driving While Otherwise Occupied.
I frequently can be heard yelling at other drivers, "HANG UP AND DRIVE, YOU MORON!!"

Mary said...

Wendy, I think most WOMEN are multi-tasker drivers with children in the back seats. Always on a cell phone to their ear... Makes me crazy!

Pam, I thought of telling DH to meet me at the mall :o)

Kathi - straws - great idea! Do you really enjoy bagpipes? And there's another "he" likes - Italian Mob Hits. LOL!

Julie, I saw two SUVs collide in an intersection a few months ago and both drivers were on cell phones when the crash occurred. No physicial injuries - so I yelled, "Serves you right, Morons!"

nina at Nature Remains. said...

Gosh, Mary, you've been practicing with that new camera--your animal shots are wonderful!

We get into the same go 'round very often--especially the not-looking-where-you're-going part!
He seems to think that as long as he doesn't crash the car, I should have no complaint!
I argue that part of the driver's "job" is to give the passenger a pleasant ride. (that always goes over real well) :-/

KGMom said...

OK--here's my question. Why is it that so often, when it's two people in a car, and let's say they're married to each other, and one is a man and one is a woman. . .the man ALWAYS drives? Even if the woman is the better driver? Why?
Well, in our family that has changed--now I drive my car with my spouse as passenger, and when we use his car, he drives and I am passenger.

Nora said...

Oh thank you ...thank you Mary for this oh soooo funny post...just made my day perfect and I laughed out loud as I stared at your post.."he" sounds so familiar to me.

JeanMac said...

Husbands! Do they all need driving lessons. My sister's husband drove big rigs for 50 years and she "still helps him drive"! He asks her, "How did I manage without you in the truck"!

beckie said...

Mary, I must confess, I am the fidgeter in our car. hubby doesn't really like riding with me and I guess he's right. I've had my share of fender benders in the past. I am trying to do better and watch the raod more carefully. Loved your post though. I could certainly feel your pain!

Corey said...

How hysterical are you?? Take a swig, swerve . . HAHAHA! Truth is, it was your idea to go to the mall together in the first place, wasn't it? The driving antics are just his way of paying you back for making him go to the mall!

Jayne said...

LOL Mary! Mine does not seem to notice that traffic is stopped ahead either. It's as if he does not anticipate things. Just runs up on it and then slams the breaks...aaarruuugghhh. And, he consistently drives too fast. Glad I am not in the passenger seat too much.

Angie said...

ROFL, I swear I was in that car with you, Mary!!! I have worn the carpet away where the 'passenger brake' is in our car!! ROFL My BIL used to say that I left my hand print permanently indented in his dashboard cause I spent a LOT of time on the road with him and my sister in years passed. What a hoot you are!! Just what I needed on this beautiful day (but so gloomy in my head, tears only a heartbeat way). Although his regular vet (see post from yesterday) says it's his uppper back/neck causing the problems, that is almost as scary for me as the tumor. He's already had back surgery on the lower portion of his back 6 years ago. Losing his ability to function in the front part would probably be worse.

I agree, you are definitely getting awesome photos with your new toy. Makes me and my sister think we 'have to have what Mary has'! ROFL

RuthieJ said...

Gosh Mare, that was so funny! And why is it they thing they're such GOOD drivers??

dguzman said...

Well, even just looking for birds and hawks often gets me into trouble. Lots of swerving.

And I will admit an addiction to scrolling through all my little status messages, from oil life to fuel range to tire pressures. New little toys can be dangerous!

NCmountainwoman said...

We have two unspoken and unbreakable rules in our household.

#1 When we take my car, I drive. When we take his car, he drives.

#2 The passenger NEVER says a word about the driver's driving.

It works for us. Since neither of us is going to change, we might as well accept each other as we are. Just grin and bear it, white knuckles and all.

Balisha said...

Are you talking about my husband Mary???LOL

Annie in Austin said...

You've got me counting my blessings right now, Mary- 40+ years of driving with my 'him' and so far so good...even has good music!

Your photos are so good they're intimidating. And you must emit some kind of waves that calm birds and animals long enough for you to snap that shutter. Magic Mary!

Annie at the Transplantable Rose

Mary C said...

I thought my husband was the only one who drives like that! ROFL. I'm the one who does most of the driving since we use my car most of the time. Dear hubby does the driving when we travel especially when we rent a car.

dmmgmfm said...

My co-worker acclerates and decelerates to the rhythm of the music! It kind of makes me nauseous so I usually don't let her drive. ;-)wn

Rose said...

Well, I must admit the situation is a bit reversed in our household. We usually take my car--his is filled with "stuff"--so I drive. I AM a careful driver, but Hubby likes to point out all my little mistakes. I've threatened on more than one occasion to pull over and let him drive.
I know my limitations, though--if my kids or Hubby call me on my cell phone, they always ask where I am. If I'm driving, they know to hang up immediately!

Kerri Farley said...

OH, I can so relate to this!!!

I'm always asking my husband....why do you wait until you are already driving down the road before you buckle your seatbelt?? Just buckle it before you even turn on the car! ARRGGH that is one of my pet peeves! And slowing down...but not until you get on the other guys bumper....oh boy, Mary...I sure do know where you are coming from :)

Maureen Reynolds said...

Have you been in the car with my hussy! You WERE describing him, weren't you?!??

That seatbelt one makes me wonder what kind of mental power game they are the seatbelt is MY idea, not a law.

How about soon as I change the temp settings on MY passenger side, he goes and adjusts the main temperature so that my setting now needs to be changed back to what it was!! aaaargh

PJ said...

yeah, I had someone just like 'him' aiming right at me on a two lane hwy until he looks up long enough to see a huge yellow 44ft. school bus. other peoples lives are counting on 'him' to look up PLEASE!!!! ...sorry to be so serious, but I just can't help it on this issue...I see it time and time again...right past my stop arm as well when students are needing to cross the road! I beg 'him' it only takes a second!!!!!