Friday, November 28, 2008

Thanksgiving Funny

For Nina.

We have lettuce, mayo, fresh bread, and cranberries on stand-by for those wonderful leftover roasted turkey sandwiches. Hot turkey sandwiches and gravy are always on the menu, too. The kids’ mouths were watering yesterday and they had no idea what surprise awaited them on their arrival for dinner. They were looking forward to the few pounds of light and dark turkey we foil up and send home with them.


Michael bought a large Perdue Turkey Breast a few days ago and as we unloaded lots of things from Sam’s Club into the house, I quickly tucked away that thawed breast into the back of the frig without as much as a glance.

On Thanksgiving morning I softened real butter, lined up the spices, and pre-heated the oven to 325. I placed the breast on the kitchen counter and that’s when the horror set in.

Oh no. What is this? No roasting instructions?

I read, “Perdue Slicing Turkey”, and in a tiny font at the bottom of the non-bird, “fully cooked”.

Oh, no.

Eyes wide, peeling back the plastic casing, I found a ball of something that remotely looked liked the shape of a turkey. What if I poked it with a fork? Would it spew its contents and slowly deflate, or would it burst? If it had accidentally rolled off the counter it would have bounced waist-high twice and skid across the kitchen floor.

“Michael! You need to see this!”

The pain on his face reminded me of the Bumpus’ dogs stealing the turkey in A Christmas Story.

“It’s rubbery and there’s no skin. A freakin’ ball of processed turkey meat! Aaaack! cluck cluck Aaaaack! cluck cluck cluck.”

Horrified by his mistake, he offered to go out and purchase a real turkey but I thought hard about that. How could I throw it away when so many families can’t afford a turkey this year? In the oven it went.

Two hours later, it sliced like some sort of shrimp dip mold. A butter knife would have done the job.

We did not even offer the dogs a bite.

Fortunately, turkey is a side at our house. We fill up on the main course of homemade cheese ravioli and sauce with all the Italian meat that goes with it. At the end of our feast we enjoy a Greek salad and pour homemade sauce that we call “gravy” over the turkey. Yum. In a few weeks, we’ll do it all over again with the real thing. No one ate turkey yesterday or today.

Gina and I are still shocked about our misfortune and laughing silly about how we will dispose of 10 lbs. of leftovers…
Hope you had a wonderful day.


Lynne at Hasty Brook said...

I'll bet Michael was horrified about the turkey ball! I'll bet you could make a "Minnesota hotdish" out of it:

Chop it up.
Add cream of mushroom soup.
Season with soy sauce, but not much.
Top with chow mein noodles or crushed potato chips.

Kim said...

LOL!!! I would have died when I saw it. You can do a bunch of stuff with it i'm sure. Just go to the Spam website and use your turkey for the substitute!!! HA!!

Mary said...

Neva heard of "hotdish", Linne! I'll run this by the Turkey King and see what happens :o)

Kerri Farley said...

That has to be the funniest card I've ever seen! And your "turkey" story was even better! I'm not a big fan of turkey I fill up on the "sides" most Thanksgivings. I hope you are over your cold. Sorry I haven't been around much....hopefully that will change soon.

I LOVED your prior posts with the Juncos! Great shots!!

Susan Gets Native said...

Well, obviously, that turkey got some implants.

: )

NCmountainwoman said...

How wonderful that you do the Italian thing for Thanksgiving and turkey is not the main event! I didn't know whether or not I should have been laughing, but I just couldn't help myself. At least you had an understanding family and tons of other goodies.

As to the disposition of the fraudulent turkey...why is it that we cannot throw something out, but we can leave it in the refrigerator until it is moldy and throw it out with ease? It's a standing joke in our house, do we toss it now or wait until it turns green?

Heidi said...

And the moral of the story is: when a man does the shopping, look the groceries over carefully!


Well, I'm pretty certain you could make something out of it. I like Lynne's idea. I was thinking maybe turkey broth if it's really gelitan like.

Oh maybe you could put it on a tree branch and attract a hawk or something? LOL, you would really know how bad it was if no wild animal ate it.

Lisa at Greenbow said...

Oh heck Mary, the dogs don't care if it is processed. It is probably better for them than some canned dog food.

What a funnnny story. Good thing it wasn't the main course.

I am glad you had a happy thanksgiving anyway.

Tina said...

This story made me laugh out loud. You have a way of seeing the humorous side which is a great characteristic to have! Enjoyed this post. Great you had other things to fill up on.

Anonymous said...

Never send a man to do a womans job!!!!


Betsy Banks Adams said...

Mary, I read this outloud to my hubby --and we both were truly rolling in the floor. I know it wasn't funny to you--but the way you wrote about it was hilarious!!!! I am going to share this with other friends. Sorry that your 'horror' became so funny to me!!!!

Anonymous said...

OMG! Well, thank the gods for the ravioli! And THAT is why I made Indian food this year and not turkey. It's just too risky!

Lynne's hotdish takes me back to many a Wisconsin holiday. Nothing says upper Midwest xmas like mystery meat topped with chow mein noodles.

KGMom said...

Or, wait until you see my soup recipe on Saturday. Maybe, you could use your turkey in that--finely chopped or ground, of course.

JeanMac said...

All I can say is, "Oh,no!!!"
Happy Thanksgiving, Mary.

Cheryl said...

Mary....tks for making a great start to my could only happen to you.......
I am still smiling as I always see the funny side, and I love you for it....
I bet its fun at your house.....

Have a wonderul weekend and stay snug......

Julie Zickefoose said...

Dear Mary,

The trend toward "enhanced" meats (and I use the term VERY loosely) is a disturbing one. Wal-Marts meats are all soaked in a nitrate-salt-preservative solution, and that's not to make them taste better; that's to make them TRAVEL better. They usually throw in a bit of garlic, too. And now our Kroger "enhances" everything from chicken to pork to beef, and I will not touch that inedible stuff. The "enhanced" chicken is translucent and rubbery and utterly disgusting. Ergo, I have stopped shopping at Kroger. If I wanted my pork roast to taste like bologna, I would roast bologna. BAH!!

If you could have a coyote/possum/vulture feeding station like we do out in our meadow, you would have no dilemma about proper disposal of such abominations. Storebought peach pie sat around for an entire month out there until the possums, which have no pride, finally finished it off. Once again wishing we were neighbors!

Holding my giblets high,


Anonymous said...

Happy Thanksgiving Mary!


Unknown said...

Mary sometimes half the fun of reading your blog is reading the comments. Thank goodness for the ravioli! I would say try making soup but then again it is processed meat.

Big hugs to you and your family where you can laugh and cry at the same time.

Dog_geek said...

Hee hee - cooking disasters are always much funnier when they are not my fault! At least now you have a good Thanksgiving story to tell, and nobody shot their eye out with a Red Rider BB gun.

Jayne said...

Oh Mary!! I was giggling through this entire post!!! The hotdish idea sounds yummy and doable. What time should we be there? :c)

Q said...

Dear Mary,
I wonder if the turkey ball could be felted?
I agree with Toni, reading your comments is very fun!
Lynne's hot dish makes me laugh and Julie has the perfect solution for most left over food. I also feed the critters, Cooper's Hawk goes for all sorts of strange treats but enhanced meat??? Not safe for man or beast.
Thanksgiving Ravioli sounds delicious!
Glad you are feeling better.

Rose said...

LOL!! I think everyone has a funny turkey story, but this has to be one of the best, Mary. My husband likes to deep-fry ours, and every year we never know when it will be done. One year I had everything timed perfectly and had it all waiting--including potatoes and gravy--two hours before the turkey was done.

I like some of the other suggestions--the dogs will probably love it or you could check out the Spam website as Kallen said:)

At least you didn't go hungry on Thanksgiving; homemade ravioli and some stuffing would have satisfied me!

(The word verification today is "coment"!)

Carol Michel said...

My suggestion is to slice/roll it into little balls and use it for fishing bait. You can even freeze it for use later in the spring and summer. Wait, on second thought, there is enough polution in our lakes and ponds...

So, save it for Christmas and use it as a fire starter in the fireplace!

That's all I've got to help you. This is certainly a unique situation that calls for some careful thought and creativity as to how to deal with it.

Kathie Brown said...

Oh my! This sounds like a thanksgiving disaster! Glad you were able to salvage something from it! Love the cartoon.

Mary said...

Ya'll are making me laugh so hard! Although I love and appreciate you salvaging schemes, I would like to tell you the rubber turkey ball left for the landfull around 10am.

Mouth still watering...

possumlady said...

Wow, you are lucky turkey is not the main dish!!!

My sister bought three, yes, three turkeys this year! For only 5 people!! She wanted just two (we all love leftovers so she buys an extra and roasts it to send home with folks). Well, she roasted the care package turkey on Wednesday and was not happy with how it turned out "too dry!" So on Thanksgiving day she made my brother in law go out to get another one (that ended up still thawing in the bathtub of the guest bathroom all evening.)

The main attraction turkey was also having problems cooking as my sister has been used to "pop up" Butterballs for years and decided this year to go for an organic free range bird. Well, the wings were burning but the breast was not getting done. According to her timing it should be done and it did look like the juices were running clear when poked. Took the turkey out and rested it while we made the creamed onions and mashed potatoes. When it was time, everyone sat down and my brother in law started carving the bird...hmmm, pretty pink. and the sausage stuffing? Also raw!! Yikes! Well, we nuked the slices of turkey and put the rest of the bird and stuffing back in the oven!

To top it off, after dinner my BIL made a fire as we were cozily watching Fiddler on the Roof. He then went into the other room but failed to close the fireplace screen. Yup, a flaming log fell out onto my sister's carpet and melted three big holes in the carpet!! What a day!!

Oh, and Ms. JZ, I can assure you that possums do indeed have pride!!

Word verification: merie = what Mary is during the month of December.

Mary said...

Christine! Dear Christine! You had me howling - sorry... How can I complain about a gelatine turkey when you were hungry. LOL! I remember one year my Mom roasted a 20 lb. turkey for NINE hours and it was still pink out of the oven. We ate it anyway. Thanksgiving turkeys are a pain in ass.

Thanks for sharing, you funny lady :o)

Laurie and company said...

OMGoodness..what a mess! Glad you guys recovered! but o boy! do we ever stop livin' and learnin? hilarious!!

I guess giblets ending up in the gravy was the least of your concerns!

Big Thanksgiving hugs, LY

Kathleen said...

If you ever get your 15 minutes on a late night talk show - this is the story to tell! My stomach hurts from laughing!

Mary C said...

Ravioli for Thanksgiving - now that's what I remember from my youth. Ravioli was always special - we would have it for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. I trust you and your family had a great Thanksgiving, Mary.

LauraHinNJ said...

I love the cartoon!


I, too, think it would be a blast to be at your house Mary. I love your sense of humor despite the chaos that sometimes surrounds you.

Wendy said...

Oh Mary - how horrible! Well at least you had a sense of humour and some excellent ravioli to eat.
On our Canadian thanksgiving, I bought a different turkey. Always buy Butterball, but bought an organic turkey. Didn't realize it was pre-seasoned.
Yuk! It was awful. I did throw it in the garbage, but fished it out later and returned it to the store.
Bought another turkey (I always cook it the day ahead).
By the time we were ready to eat the darn thing, I was so sick of cooking and smelling roast turkey I could barely eat it.
This Christmas - Butterball all the way!

Unknown said...

Turkey is just plain and downright difficult to cook right. One of my biggest memories growing up was of having to dump "soup loads" of gravy over the white meat to make it less dry. My brother was smarter in a strategic sense: he always grabbed the legs. But the next day all is forgiven with the leftovers. By that time it's all perfect for some unsolved reason.

Kay said...

Hi Mary, I just bounced on over from Lisa, Villas Girl's blog. I'm loving your blog. I enjoyed reading about your turkey day. Your post was so much fun to read. It was lovely meeting you.

Betsy Banks Adams said...

Mary, We'll be out-of-town for a few days. Read my today's blog. Have a wonderful week. Keep writing those funny blogs. I LOVE 'em.

Anonymous said...

The Purdue turkey is a deli product and should not be cooked again. If just sliced it would not have been bad but still not a fresh gobbler. Sam